October 7 (Proper 22): Mark 10:2-16
Some
Pharisees came, and to test Jesus they asked, "Is it lawful for a man to
divorce his wife?" He answered them, "What did Moses command
you?" They said, "Moses allowed a man to write a certificate of
dismissal and to divorce her."
But
Jesus said to them, "Because of your hardness of heart he wrote this
commandment for you. But from the beginning of creation, 'God made them male
and female.' 'For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be
joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.' So they are no longer
two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one
separate."
Then in the house the disciples asked him again about
this matter. He said to them, "Whoever divorces his wife and marries
another commits adultery against her; and if she divorces her husband and
marries another, she commits adultery."
People were bringing little children to him in order
that he might touch them; and the disciples spoke sternly to them. But when
Jesus saw this, he was indignant and said to them, "Let the little
children come to me; do not stop them; for it is to such as these that the kingdom of God belongs. Truly I tell you, whoever
does not receive the kingdom
of God as a little child
will never enter it." And he took them up in his arms, laid his hands on
them, and blessed them.
Ah, another day of
difficult lessons. Which ones shall we
choose to preach about, is the refrain of my clergy friends. Which ones, indeed.
Shall we mention Job, a
righteous man, whom God allows to be tormented by the devil, just to prove his faithfulness? Or shall we mention that VERY difficult
lesson about marriage? Or the more difficult lesson about children, and their
participation in a life of faith?
I’m going to go a
slightly different way and focus on the hope that Jesus calls us all to when he
talks about Divorce and Children – in one lesson.
I was part of a joyful
celebration yesterday, and two who were one were joined together. Let no one separate them, says Jesus. And I say, let them not separate themselves. And several months from now, this couple will
find their lives changing in another way – baby #1 is due to arrive in
December!
Two of the most active
parts of the wedding were the groom’s nephews.
Five and three, plus a bit more for each, they were not quite into the
more reverent moments. I spent the meal
being entertained by the 5 yr old who was drawing pictures and totally clueless
to ‘the importance’ of what was going on, no matter how often his mother said
it was someone else’s big day.
Now you might think this
is kind of funny, coming from a priest who is not married, and has no children. But I think this is one place where we all
fail to honor Jesus’ teachings.
Because, my friends, Jesus
is a giving ALL of us a model, a model of faithfulness in marriage, and a model
of faithfulness in raising up the next generation. But they are both models which we often fail
at. And that’s a fact.
Examine those lessons
closely again.
Jesus does not follow his
words about marriage and adultery with words that say we are no longer his if
we fail to honor our marriages.
And he does not say that
the children are welcome only when they are well-behaved.
I’m here to say that
while we have a standard, it is a standard that we will fail
at. All of us.
And while we will fail at it, we must, over and
over again, try again.
Marriage is much like how
a child grows. Did any of you who are
married know what you were getting into when you were first married? I think not, even if you had lived together
for some time.
It is the same with
raising children. No matter how well
prepared your nursery is, and how many birthing classes you have taken, you
still don’t know so much.
I was thinking yesterday
of a friends whose baby #1 was perfect, no muss, no fuss. Several years later, Baby #2 was quite the
opposite experience. He had colic from
day one and it took nearly a year for the pediatrician to light on the right
combo of meds to overcome it. I think if
#2 had been #1, there would not have been another child for Kelley and Susan.
I recall going over to
their house on occasion to babysit #2 so mom and day and #1 could get some time
together. Even if all they did was nap
and watch TV. But both #1 and #2 are
grown and married and doing well these days.
The point is that whether
we are making a marriage or raising children, we learn as we go. And since we
are only learning, we have to understand that we will fail.
“Ah Guar-an-tee it” as
that TV Cajun cook used to say.
But just because we know we
will fail, there is no real reason why we should not keep trying.
However, and this is a
big however, to keep trying also means to forgive ourselves. Because sometimes there will be that one
relationship, whether of spouse or child, where things are not working. The marriage was simply to the wrong person,
or you have grown into people with different needs and wants. The child, now
grown and responsible for themselves, has chosen a way of life that is not your
way of life.
Sometimes we have to
learn to let go of our preconceived notions of what a relationship will look
like in the future. That may – or may
not – mean letting go of the relationship. Often what it means it taking the
relationship to a new place. A different place than what we expected.
One in which a couple are
no longer married but can remain, if not friends, at least civil to each other. One in which a parent lets go of parental expectations,
and sees “their” child for the child of God that they really are – unique in
this world.
Those friends of mine
with the different children? I knew them
from high school, but they moved to NC about 15 years ago, for HER job
transfer. My friends are themselves a social worker and a lawyer – and both of
whom had midlife career changes to get there.
And by the way, he’s the social
worker and she’s the lawyer.
Child #2, the difficult
one, is pretty traditional in his outlook and lifestyle. There’s nothing much about him to report that’s
not what we ‘expected,’ whatever those expectations might have been. Child #1, the easy one, blew off higher
education. He has some of the most
interesting ink on his body that I’ve ever seen – and so does his wife. And now, closer to 30 than 20, he’s back in
school.
Yes, you could say that
nothing in that family was kind of expected.
But throughout the years that I’ve known them, which has included some
years when communication was only via email or Christmas letters, I’ve been
impressed. Two people whose marriage has
been challenged at every turn, and whose marriage looks conventional only to
those who have not known them for so long.
Two children who have turned out in some very interesting ways.
Don’t get me wrong: God has standards for all of us. Even if you don’t fall into these particular
lessons, there are still those pesky commandments to deal with.
It would be wonderful if
life were such that we were always in full obedience to what God has required of
us. I don’t mean just honoring marriage,
or not murdering each other.
How are we doing with
that coveting thing? Anybody here who
has never coveted anything that belonged to someone else?
Or honoring parents, or
other elders? Are we doing all that we
could?
And what about honoring
God? Have you never slept in on Sunday mornings?
The point here is that we
have standards – and God knows we will fail at them. Yesterday, today and tomorrow, we have
failed, and we will fail again. Yet our
God does not throw us into the fires of hell for failing. Instead he invites us, again and again, to
get up and try once more.
My friends, don’t give up
on yourselves.
Don’t give up on those
you love, or even those you just like.
Because God is not giving
up on you.
God has never given up on
you.
I ask that you remember
that the next time you have a fight with your spouse. I ask that you remember that the next time
you see one of the children here do something disruptive. I ask that you forgive yourself the next time
you accidentally do something hurtful or break one of those commandments.
It might feel a bit corny
to say so, but each one of us is still a work in progress.
Young or old, each one of
us is still learning what it truly means to be one of God’s children.
“God is not finished with
us yet.”
And that’s not just a
phrase for children. Thanks be to God
that God is not finished with any one of us yet!
